A-ha!

So it's moved beyond pathetic now.

I had an "a-ha moment" probably the day after my last post and have put off that discussion for what is it, let's see here now, five months?!? But I digress...

Back to my "a-ha moment!" And I'm not talking about a flashback of my neighbor Mark C. imitating the Norwegian band in the shower....

Rather, as I sat back and over-analyzed why I don't sit down for 20-30 minutes each day to put thought to paper, I noticed a demoralizing pattern. My desire to write is there, much like my desire to do many things in my life.

And here's the realization I came to: if I can't have/do/produce/etc. something EXACTLY how I unrealistically envision it in my mind, in the typically unrealistic time frame I have placed on myself, I begin to question whether I should have/do/produce/etc. said thing at all. And thus begins my unravel!

Sometimes it ends with a half-baked result. Other times no result at all, with pieces/parts walked away from. And in most cases a massive sense of shame and failure that I secretly (so I have deluded myself to believe) carry around.

Stay with me now, this public self-analyzing thing is both therapeutic and rare, and is bound to get better.

This burden that I have placed upon myself gets HEAVY and I begin to shut down things. Most often I decide not to care. But I do care. This emotional wrestling becomes physically tiring as well.